When Black Men? When?

I’m so tired.  I’m tired of justifying my value to black men.   We are living in tumultuous times.  Last week, it was Tyrese condemning black women, this week we learned a teenage girl was kidnapped and gang raped live on Facebook and there are several missing black girls in Washington DC right now that no one is talking about….TIRED!!!! 


A teenage girl is kidnapped, gang raped and it’s streamed live to 40 people who watched and never called police. That’s an unspeakable horror I can’t even fathom but to make it worse, her face and screenshots of the video are circulating online, shared by many who have never taken the time to think about, “what if this was my daughter?”  She’s being victimized and raped all over again. Why can't you see the value in her humanity?  Why can't you see your own daughters, mothers, in her? Have we taken time to think about what this young girl needs most?  After being violated in the worst way…she needs to feel safe and protected by a community who cares about her.  Her face and identity should be protected as much as possible because you know what? If she wasn’t black, we’d never know who she was. Her face wouldn’t be all over the internet, she would have been protected.  Black women are never afforded that opportunity.  We don’t get to feel safe, even amongst our own. 

Several black girls are missing in Washington DC right now and you probably didn’t know about it? Why? Because they don’t care…black girls don’t matter in this society.  Our lives aren’t valued, we are automatically considered runaways, drug addicts, prostitutes, drop outs before any details are released. That’s the narrative and we don’t have our own to defend us. When unarmed black women are shot by police, we don’t see the outrage. We hear “Well why was she talking”?  "She should have just stayed quiet".  We don’t have our own to ensure the truth is told about our story. We don’t have our own to “humanize” us in a society that doesn’t see the value in our black and brown female lives.   

Black men routinely police our bodies, our looks, and our hair.  We are phony and fake if we wear wigs, weaves or makeup. We are plain and homely if we rock our natural hair and go makeup free.  (unless you are post-ProActiv Alicia Keys) Photos and images of fetishized black women are posted on social media on a regular basis not out of admiration but out of pure lust.  The same bodies you lust after are the same ones you criticize.  It’s ridiculous.  We aren’t allowed to simply exist in bodies, hairstyles, and looks that we like.  It’s a strange dichotomy,  our looks, hair, body types and styles are constantly imitated and duplicated and praised, but only when they appear on non-melinated bodies and faces. 

Why do we always have to prove our value to you? I don’t get it at all.   We gave birth to you, raised you, and loved you…yet now you spew hatred towards single mothers?  We’ve opened our hearts to you, birthed your children, pledged our loyalty to you in marriage and relationships, only to repeatedly have our hearts broken, be lied to, cheated on, abused and thrown away like trash.  We’ve stood on the front lines ready to fight for justice in your names; we’ve screamed “Black Lives Matter” even when we knew it didn’t include us, when you were too apathetic to care. IT WAS US! IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN US!!!  Yet, you disrespect, dishonor and undervalue us all the time.  When Black men? When?

Those of you “woke” black men who claim to love black people so much yet treat women like trash and sperm receptacles. Acting as if we are beneath you and your authority with your archaic ideas.   You can’t love black people and hate black women. That’s not how the revolution works.  We are constantly fetishized by you, lusting our bodies but not valuing our identities.  When women of other races run to doctors to reshape their bodies to emulate ours, you put them on pedestals, praising them while belittling the women they copied.  It’s unbelievable. You can’t uplift every other race of women, praising their features, body shapes, hair textures then condemn black women who try to be what you perceive as beautiful.  You can’t criticize black women who say to hell with your beauty standards and love the natural skin, hair and shape they are in.    You can’t spend your days on social media posting memes about gold digging black women then turn around and criticize an “independent one”. We are damned if we do, damned if we don’t. I’m exhausted by you…a living contradiction…I am a black woman who loves black men, raising 2 black boys but is routinely disappointed in your actions.    Black Women are routinely disrespected and disregarded by society but in no space greater than the presence of black men. 

I’ve watched you over the years; belittle black abuse victims and black rape victims. Even now, you question the validity of rape culture.   Yet, you fall on your swords for women like Rachel Dolizal?  Really?  You want loyalty, you want us to stand with you while you navigate through your bullshit and settle for your mediocrity? You want us to “hang in there” and be a “ride or die” as you deal with “your issues” and find your way.  You want us to love you in your financially strapped state, constantly referencing women like Michelle Obama, when you don’t have the ambition, drive or desire to be better man like a Barack?    When we decide we want better or more, then we are bitter bitches or crazy.  Fuck us for having standards, fuck us for saying, “I’d rather be alone”.   You want a woman “who has her own” but you better not be a woman who “doesn’t need a man”? Black Feminists are tearing apart the families? Seriously? It’s not the black men who leave their families and never return? Do you even realize the actual definition of a feminist is a woman fighting for equal rights? How does that diminish you?  I’m tired black men…I really am. 

And before you go with the, “you need to find new black men”, “you pick the wrong ones" narrative”, let me tell you, if you aren’t one of these men, WONDERFUL… however, chances are you know one who is.  You want to lead? Start with your circles.  Consider it fuckboy outreach.  Educate your boy; give him some knowledge so he too can live his life, “fuckboy free”, instead of getting mad at me for calling SOME men out on their bullshit.  Fuckboys and their theology are running rampant in our communities.  FuckBoys are outnumbering Free Thinking ones…it’s an epidemic of the “Strong and Wrong”.

I’m tired of being loyal to men who don’t value women outside of their sexual needs. I'm tired of men who leech off of women, draining them of their warmth, generosity, listening ears.   I’m tired of men who don’t know how to love and think inboxing and sending dick pics etc. isn’t cheating.  I’m tired of married men who cheat, then blame their wives.   I’m exhausted by the men who spend their days fishing for “fresh meat” setting thirst traps then calling the women they sleep with hoes or dumb because they didn’t have a working fuckboy detector that would scream “COMMUNITY DICK”.   I’m tired of men who have no idea how to protect the very women they lay down with and procreate with. I’m tired of explaining why beating a woman to the ground is wrong.  I’m tired of men asking “what a woman was wearing”, “why was she out so late”, “where are her parents” when she is sexually assaulted instead of asking the question, “Why did this man think it was ok to violate this woman’s body against her will”.   I’m tired of men blaming women’s frustration, anger, fear etc. on “Daddy Issues”, when most of you grew up with daddy’s out of the home, bringing your abandonment, commitment issues into relationships with women you claim to love, or better yet, your dad was in the home but so damn detached emotionally, he left you in a crippled emotional state and you continue the cycle of emotional dysfunction.   I’m tired of men, dismissing women’s heartbreak instead of acknowledging the role they played in it; you lied and schemed your way into a woman’s heart before you revealed yourself for the wolf you really were.  EXHAUSTED…

If there was ever a time to get it together and protect the ones we love…it’s NOW!!! WHAT WILL IT TAKE? When will you love us, value us, protect us, and stand with us?  When Black Men? WHEN? We need you just as much as you need us…that’s how the revolution begins…UNIFIED. 

I’m ready…how about you?