Screw your “Respectability”

Another day filled with Toxic Masculinity. (Sighs) The internet and social media have been abuzz with Rob Kardashian’s epic rant aimed at the mother of his child, former stripper, Blaq Chyna.  Apparently, she’s been cheating on him and Rob is unhappy about it (even though she has accused him of cheating and abuse in the past) and in true Fuckboy form, he took to social media to air their dirty laundry.  Rants about how much money he’s spent buying her jewelry, paying for surgeries etc. along with posting nude photographs of her post plastic surgery.   Mature and Classy right?   I’d love to tell these men what they tell women who have been cheated on and disrespected, “she didn’t ask for the money, he offered it”, “that was his choice”….right?

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Now by no means am I a fan of Rob Kardashian, Blaq Chyna or the Kardashian Clan either.   The dysfunctions on both sides are epic.   Both come from ridiculously dysfunctional homes and both grew up with skewed examples of manhood and womanhood.  My grandmother used to call that “young and dumb”.    The amount of pain and trauma they have both experienced in life is tragic and both quite frankly are operating out of learned behavior.  Watching the fallout and subsequent commentaries and opinions was even more disappointing.  This type of behavior isn’t new for Rob Kardashian.  Many have blamed Chyna on preying on his insecurities and using him, however this behavior was apparent in his previous relationships (when he was slim and trim).  It’s how he operates.  He was a jerk to Adrienne Ballon, cheating on her repeatedly, talking to her sideways, emotionally unavailable etc., and he went on another exposing social media rant with his other ex, Rita Ora, posting nude photos and calling her everything but a child of God.  So do I feel bad for him, not at all.  He is a fuckboy personified. The kind of man who can dish it but can’t take it.  He’s a known cheater but is in his feelings because now he gets to feel what getting cheated on feels like. Typical.   Karma is real, and you will eventually get everything you give.  Blaq Chyna isn’t a saint either, she’s gone on epic rants about him as well, spilling dirty laundry about Rob, her ex, Tyga (who just so happened to date Rob’s youngest sister, Kylie) and the Kardashian clan.  She’s considered the petty champion for dating Rob after her ex left her for a then underage Kardashian.  Were her motives questionable? Absolutely!!!   Her background isn’t clean either. She definitely grew up with a different set of values.   

What bothers me most is that people are justifying his behavior because “Chyna is a stripper”, “Chyna is a hoe”, etc., as if that makes any difference. She is still a victim of a crime.  At least according to California law which makes “revenge porn” a misdemeanor.   Sound familiar; these are the same men that scream Bill Cosby is innocent while shaming his victims, even though he admitted to drugging and sleeping with women in recorded depositions.  Somehow, a man’s fuckboy behavior becomes that woman’s burden and she is at fault. At what point do we hold men accountable for their fuckboy behavior and at what point do men call fuckboys out on their bullshit? What a woman does in life shouldn’t have any bearing on whether she is afforded the right to her privacy. Meaning, if she wants to share nudes, she can but that is HER CHOICE! Once you remove a woman’s choice, you are wrong…PERIOD.  If a prostitute is raped, do we deny the validity of that rape because of her profession?  This is the essence of rape culture and victim shaming.  

In typical fashion, the loudest of his supporters are black men.   Black men who in their own words say she deserves it because she’s naked on the internet anyway.  Hmmmm…. Really? So because a woman chooses to display her body on the internet makes it acceptable to release nude pictures without her consent?  I guess she doesn’t deserve “choice”  because she took off her clothes for a living huh? That’s problematic for so many reasons.  It is part of this culture that we live in where a woman’s “respectability” determines whether or not she’s worthy of being protected from the fuckboys of the world.  Now these are the same men, who will watch a woman break down in pain and heartache after loving someone who has cheated on them. Some of these women do some extreme things and we call them bitter and crazy. Or my favorite, “She should have known better”, “she should have made better choices”.  As if “wolves in sheep’s clothing don’t exist.  In a fuckboys mind, they only exist when women hurt them, not the other way around.  When they cheat or disrespect and dishonor women, it’s always an excuse.  “My daddy wasn’t there”, “My daddy did it and my momma stayed”, or my favorite “I was just conditioned to be this way”.    Women are also guilty of buying into this notion that if you are “respectable”, you will receive the respect you deserve.  Also another myth. I watched as a favorite of black men, Jill Scott, was hacked and nude photos from her ICloud were released to the public.  Now Jill is “respectable” right?  So the men who lined up to protect her were present right? Hardly, they shared the pics, giggled, got off etc.  It doesn’t matter if you are so called “respectable” or not, the men who claim to love you will not protect you.  Welcome to the culture of toxic masculinity.

The best we can all do is live our lives authentically instead of telling others how to live theirs and sitting in judgement.  If it ain’t for you…cool! What’s good for you may not be good for another and vice versa.  Men and women are both guilty of this but men have perpetuated this for decades!   Constantly telling women what makes them worthy or acceptable of love and protection.  SMH!  Women should be free to be whatever they so choose without having their actions and bodies policed.  Black Women in particular are constantly fetishized and hyper sexualized while being vilified at the same time.  Who protects us?

BLACK WOMEN YOU ARE WORTHY BECAUSE YOU EXIST!!!

Just because an individual is flawed doesn’t mean they don’t deserve basic rights and protections.  I watched them ask us (women) to stand with them when their fellow brothers were unjustly killed by police. Whether those individuals had “super clean” backgrounds was irrelevant.  We stood with you and supported you because it was wrong and we believed you have a basic right to live and have due process under the law.  But I don’t see or feel the reciprocity.   Women have to be “perfect” in your eyes to deserve your respect and protection.  When do you stand up for us? When do you protect us?   I watched them question then vilify Sandra Bland for her own death when she for speaking up when she was being denied her rights. I watched them fall on their swords for Rachel Dolizal, while criticizing black women for being offended by a white woman faking as if she’s black. I’ve watched them celebrate the Chris Brown’s, Floyd Mayweather’s, OchoCinco’s and the R Kelly’s of the world while demonizing their victims.   And now, I’m watching a black woman get disrespected by a non-black man and black men join in and celebrate.   If you can’t count on your own to protect you, it’s no wonder a black woman’s armor is thick!  Blaq Chyna has since responded saying, “All my life I’ve been called out my name. I’ve been called a hoe, slut, bitch, gold digger, whore, stripper…you name it.  Ever since I was a teenager, I had to out and get it on my own…” Say what you want about her but it sounds like she learned at an early age, she wasn’t protected by her own. 

Men will continue to have competing ideas on what womanhood, femininity, sexuality should be. We will never be enough in their eyes. We will never be worthy in the eyes of a fuckboy.  A fuckboy will always find a way to make your worth one dimensional, tied only to your body and sexual abilities.   Your worth isn’t tied to their opinions.   Stop looking for black men to protect you.  They are too busy sharing in our daily humiliation, dehumanization and degradation for sport.  

Sisters…take care of yourselves and one another! We are all we got!

D. Sanders